Heart Hug

Sometimes, if we sit quietly, we realise that our heart has been crying and we have not been listening. Sometimes when that happens it helps to speak to a kind friend, to hear words of encouragement, to see a rainbow or a beautiful wonder. I think of these things as "heart hugs" - they act as a medicine for many ills.

def - "Heart hug": An act of kindness by someone, or an event or realisation that gives you a nice warm fuzzy feeling inside - like a hug for the heart.

here is an example recently found in my journal - March 23rd 2003

"Heart Hug.
Nat came in and gave my heart a hug today. Just when I needed it my Father sent me a heart Hug in the shape of a friend."

(the picture is the result of Nat's heart hug - she put my bandana on G-bear who became - G-bear unleashed { or 'george of the jungle'} we set him up on Joe, the tiger (he roars!), with a background of green)

So here's to heart hugs.
ps - sometimes chocolate works as a substitute hug :)
for best results use substitutes sparingly

Fool For love/ Kissing a Fool/ Fools rush in...

So on Sunday I spoke with a friend of mine. She told me that she had called up an acquaintance and asked him out for coffee. She put herself out there on a limb....
and was left hanging.

As if inspired by her bravery I went out on my own personal limb sometime around 2:30 Monday morning. But I prefer to describe it in this way: I ran up against a brick wall.

When I was 15 I fell in love with a boy who didn't notice me. He wasn't quite as bad to me as Summer was to Seth Cohen (wink - that reference was for K and all the other OC watchers)... I mean, he knew I existed, and we even talked pretty frequently. I just don't think that he ever realized that I'm a girl....
And so I would make every effort. Looking back at my 15 yr old self I realize that I was not very subtle. I would tease him and say things like "You know I say this with love". Or, when teased too much his 15 yr old self would rebel by saying "I hate you" and I would simper "I love you too".
Anyways, long story short the feeling of continuously putting my feelings out there in serious and not serious ways felt like running into a wall. I felt like a basketball being bounced against an orange colored brick wall. Don't get me wrong, it's not as painful as it sounds... Basketballs are quite hardy.
And later, I did it again with another boy.... Another orange colored wall.. And I suppose the second time succeeded for a number of years.. The wall and I were one for a time (LOL - sorry - I couldn't resist).
Now, I've done it again. I rewrote a letter I wrote at 16.... 7 years later I'm still writing the same letters to the same person...Still falling down the same hole...Running against the same wall... At first I berated myself.
At first it felt like a particularly rough fall..I was going to compare it to my last fall on a bike (the one in my last blog). when I told my friend about it she tried to be encouraging and said "oh, just one fall? That's not bad!". I responded by explaining that one fall is sometimes all it takes to wipe you out....
I was going to use that comparison when I realized that in a sense I've taken the fall 3 times... And I'm willing to take another in the name of love!
So that's when I realized that even though it hurts, the truth is that the risk is minimal compared to the potential Joy! And one day, because of the courage I'm building, the muscles I'm using, when I am called to task in the name of love.. I will go out on a limb and that's where my love will be. We'll meet each other there and then.... We will fly!
Although my actions can be terrifying, I now claim them... I take and accept full responsibility. I declare (loud and proud) that I am a fool for love!

lift your hands if you're with me!
Fools for love!!!!

tulip

Memento: Gratitude tattoo

On Saturday K, her crazy mountain biker friend and I went to Blue Mountain. Crazy mountain biker friend (cmb) went to enjoy a day of discount rides up the mountain and exhilarating rides down (you should see the jumps they make voluntarily - your stomach falls just watching!). K and I went to do a bit of less adventurous riding and enjoy the scenery.
The scenery was beautiful. The Georgian Bay is such a peaceful site of blue and light blue and darker blue beside blue sky. From the top of the mountain (which is more of a hill really but I suppose by flat Ontario standards it's quite a giant) the view is lovely.
K and I took the "cross country route" which extends along the top of the mountain and is supposed to be "easier" (but is definitely not for beginner bikers). On our first incline I took quite a spill. K was ahead of me and out of site so I peddled fast in the hope of catching up. Then when the incline started I thought nothing of it - at first.
The incline is a short slope probably less than 15 degrees but formed in gravel and rock so that, although not steep it is VERY fast, and difficult to brake on. I flew for seconds, minutes (hours??) I can't say - I can just say that I flew and tried to keep my wits about me and my bike upright (it felt like walking a very thin line between abject fear and well - terror).And just after passing 2 pedestrians my bike skidded and fell. I skidded for a bit but didn't break or even sprain anything (other than the bike fender). I just received scrapes and a tattoo across my calf from the gears.
Truth be told I was relieved to fall because the terror of riding out of control is far worse than the actual fall - when you don't know how it will end you can imagine twenty horrible endings and the suspense of not knowing which one it will be is the worse part. Will I crash into a pedestrian or another cyclist? will I go off the path into a tree? will I hit something and fly over the handle bars? will I .....but when it has ended I can safely stop worrying about the other possibilities and deal with the one that is. Not knowing is the hardest part I think.
So I took stock of myself - declared myself ok to the pedestrians who stopped to make sure, and walked the rest of the way to K, who was by now wondering what was keeping me. She was able to fix the bike (didn't even need to ask assistance from a boy!). and when we returned to the main building and saw another biker who had to be fixed with a neck brace and taken out on a stretcher to an ambulance - I felt much better about my wounds...
However, I did not feel any less shaken up or any more confident. Afterwards we rode to a town near by. I did not enjoy the ride because I had visions of wiping out on being hit by a car. Thankfully no such thing happened. I guess it will be a while before I can happily go riding again. But all in all I come away healthy and grateful. grateful for the guardian angel who may not spare me from all pain but spares me from most of it, and gives me strength and a sense of humor to bare it.

hiho

hiho
now here's the thing - I want to do a series of posts on something personal. but I hesitate to write it here. I can't explain why, except that I don't feel as if it would be right to put here. I want to write about my own experiences - because recently I've felt as though I must write - and as though this is what I must write. the reason I will do it at another adress is that I would like to keep the rainbow connection as I see it - a place of hope - that is what rainbows symbolise to me anyways. what I wish to write about is not hopeless, just heavy so I feel the need to distinguish the two blogs. plus this way if you're in the mood for heavy you can just go to the other one. so -for the moment let's title it - Unorphanhood - can be found at http://talibah2.blogspot.com/.
don't worry, I still intend to keep writing here... and on Tom tales.... haha - I do have a habit of biting off more than I can chew - keeps things interesting I guess.
in anycase - I'm as always glad for your faithful audience.
(heart) tulip

He abides in the silence

Recently, I came across a wonderful passage in an Adult Learner (a lesson book at church). The passage was contained in a lesson which dealt with the lonliness that we often experience as human beings.

The Divine Comforter
As a special provision, the Lord has arranged for the believer to have a lifelong Companion in the person of the Holy Spirit (John 14:16-18)
He abides in the silence; He pervades the darkness. “Personal awareness of the Spirit who dwelleth in you and shall be in you” means that the believer is never alone.
The believer has available to him the means of being alone without being lonely. He can read the Word and be aware of the Holy Spirit in everyday life.

The passage struck me because the imagery is beautiful. The idea of there being a comforter who lives in a quiet place is wonderful. I would like to highlight the image - "he pervades the darkness". For me the dark is not a place that I often fear. In fact - for a time I used to love the night time -I found it to be a time of cool escape from the hot, stressful day. But there was a time when I feared the dark. When I was four my mother died suddenly. I became terrified of - well - it's hard to explain really what I was terrified of - it wasn't exactly the darkness - it was the way I felt mostly at night - I felt as though my back was exposed to the world.. to something out there.
and I know there are many who feel this way - not just at four but at twenty four, at forty-four.
So when I read that line, I remembered how I felt about the night - both the negative and the positive feelings. And I realised that the Holy Spirit which abides with us, is with us during both of those nights. He abides when we seek rest and comfortingly, He abides with us through the darkest and most difficult nights.

(heart) Tulip


(Passage John 14:16-18:16And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— 17the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. 18I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.)