So on Sunday I spoke with a friend of mine. She told me that she had called up an acquaintance and asked him out for coffee. She put herself out there on a limb....
and was left hanging.
As if inspired by her bravery I went out on my own personal limb sometime around 2:30 Monday morning. But I prefer to describe it in this way: I ran up against a brick wall.
When I was 15 I fell in love with a boy who didn't notice me. He wasn't quite as bad to me as Summer was to Seth Cohen (wink - that reference was for K and all the other OC watchers)... I mean, he knew I existed, and we even talked pretty frequently. I just don't think that he ever realized that I'm a girl....
And so I would make every effort. Looking back at my 15 yr old self I realize that I was not very subtle. I would tease him and say things like "You know I say this with love". Or, when teased too much his 15 yr old self would rebel by saying "I hate you" and I would simper "I love you too".
Anyways, long story short the feeling of continuously putting my feelings out there in serious and not serious ways felt like running into a wall. I felt like a basketball being bounced against an orange colored brick wall. Don't get me wrong, it's not as painful as it sounds... Basketballs are quite hardy.
And later, I did it again with another boy.... Another orange colored wall.. And I suppose the second time succeeded for a number of years.. The wall and I were one for a time (LOL - sorry - I couldn't resist).
Now, I've done it again. I rewrote a letter I wrote at 16.... 7 years later I'm still writing the same letters to the same person...Still falling down the same hole...Running against the same wall... At first I berated myself.
At first it felt like a particularly rough fall..I was going to compare it to my last fall on a bike (the one in my last blog). when I told my friend about it she tried to be encouraging and said "oh, just one fall? That's not bad!". I responded by explaining that one fall is sometimes all it takes to wipe you out....
I was going to use that comparison when I realized that in a sense I've taken the fall 3 times... And I'm willing to take another in the name of love!
So that's when I realized that even though it hurts, the truth is that the risk is minimal compared to the potential Joy! And one day, because of the courage I'm building, the muscles I'm using, when I am called to task in the name of love.. I will go out on a limb and that's where my love will be. We'll meet each other there and then.... We will fly!
Although my actions can be terrifying, I now claim them... I take and accept full responsibility. I declare (loud and proud) that I am a fool for love!
lift your hands if you're with me!
Fools for love!!!!
tulip
3 comments:
I hear you, hun! When I was 14, I had a crush on this lovely Iranian boy ... I wasn't subtle either. Did he notice me? No. I would encourage you to go after love but who am I to talk? I am just one big chicken. I say it, but I don't do it ... if you say it and you do it, I will bow to your non-chicken-ness! =) Good luck! Love you loads!
What, all that deciphering I had to do to understand your trapeze artist metaphor, then you don't even USE it? Hmph. ;)
thanks Ladies!
I can't say hana, that I am filled with "non-chicken-ness" but I am learning gumption!
aww. Molly, you lovable friend of mine - I'm a fool for you too!
yes C. I voted against it - I decided that 2 metaphors - tree limbs and brick walls was probably sufficient... but thanks for your deciphering - and listening
- you helped me clear my head :)
(heart) tulip
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